just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
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I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Meow
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life