Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
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Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*