I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
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Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is