*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
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My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
#CatsOnTwitter
Well well well…
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.