Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
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oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies