[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
You Might Also Like
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths