*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
You Might Also Like
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.