If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
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cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.