Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
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Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”