I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
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*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do