“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
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Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Well well well…
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?