Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
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I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet