Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
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me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?