When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
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cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
She was REALLY feeling it.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
My dad teaching me to drive
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.