Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
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everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes