Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
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Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.