Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
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Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy