*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
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5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Okay me first
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks