Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
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Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.