*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
You Might Also Like
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Oh my God.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”