Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
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To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Come back with a warrant
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
A woman drives into a bar.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….