WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
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Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I identify as an antique shop.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.