You Might Also Like
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.