A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
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if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.