[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
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KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
But I really needed water water water
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.