I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
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Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.