“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
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Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I鈥檇 love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It鈥檚 going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You鈥檙e making it worse.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…馃悎馃惥馃槄
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I鈥檓 bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we鈥檒l make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.