With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
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Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems