New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
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please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.