Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
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Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.