No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
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5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD