A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
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[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
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i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Grow up never but we old may grow we
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Guantanamo Bae
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird