Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
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I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*