[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
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restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery