My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
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in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Can. I. Help. You.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
adam and eve had first world problems
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note