My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
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14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
“The Perfect Relationship”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.