Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
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Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I drew y’all a little something.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.