My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
You Might Also Like
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
guys I’m going home
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.