me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
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We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Raisins are grape jerky.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*