*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
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My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.