Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
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I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.