Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
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Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns