CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
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6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.