Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
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A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I don’t hate children, just yours.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
bugs when you lift up a rock
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard