My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
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Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.