Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
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I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Never let them know your next move 😂
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher