What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
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I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
step 6: release the wall snake
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don鈥檛 mind waiting, but give me the goss
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It鈥檚 not the dress, it鈥檚 the woman wearing it.
Me: 馃槉
16: So you鈥檙e pretty much screwed, I don鈥檛 know what to tell you.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
peak technology
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn鈥檛 work n Spongebob said THAT鈥橲 TWO THINGS THAT DON鈥橳 WORK 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
[stabbing you with a knife]
I鈥檓 just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It鈥檚 part of the beard now
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.