Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Great acting.. 😂
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.