My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
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angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.