I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
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I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?